Set your iPod or whatever multimedia device you own to shufflez and hit play! NO SKIPPING!
Then whatever song pops up, write it down and that will be your theme music for a category. USE THESE CATEGORIES AND NO SKIPPING!!!
Music when you were Born
Music if you were a C-Section!
Music you were conceived to
NO! STOP! STOP! STOP!
What is the purpose of this self-replicating Facebook virus? So far as I can tell, there are four causes for this phenomenon.
- 1Boredom – This, children, is why drugs exist. Frankly, if this is what you do when you are bored, you need to get a job to serve society.
- Vanity – Honestly, no one cares if you have Britney Spears on your iPod. Yes, many men have it on their iPods as the result of everyone who grew up in the 90’s having at least two of her CD’s. The new millennium brought about a veritable arms race of trying to get as much crap onto portable music devices as possible. This led to the inevitable decision that Stronger needs to be on your iPod. Really, no one cares about your music. This is why ear buds are self-contained.
- You Desire the Following Dialogue in the Comments Section of your Masterpiece –
Fool: “OMG, that is so funny!!! :)”
Dunce: “LOLOLOL!!!! I WANT N’SYNC playing at MyY funeral1!”
Pervert interested in Author: “hehe, hey ashleeee. I like the music you listen to!” - You Desire to Listen to new Music – Turn on the radio and stop writing that note.
“Oh, Kevin you
Admittedly, I’m a liberal arts major so I’m better at complaining about things than building things, but in this scenario, I will do the world a service and create a meaningful format for this exercise to make it useful.
This shall be called, “What devil-musik hath come from mine computer?”
You are to set your ipod to random and write down a description of the music that comes out in this format:
Title:
Artist:
Album:
Year:
Description:
Why is it on your computer:
Why does the song even exist in this universe:
Bottom Line:
Anything that comes out of your iPod is fair game. Be it podcasts, music, sound bytes, spoken word, anything.
Write no less than 10 of these and no more than 20. This is an exercise, so it is not supposed to be fun (it’s supposed to wean out certain folk). I want you to learn more about your music and its place in society rather than place it with a random arbitrary event in your life (which by the way is more likely to be filled by silence or bagpipes than your pop music).
Let’s begin!
***Disclaimer***
BEHIND YOU!
Title: New Years Day
Artist: U2
Album: The Best of 1980-1990
Year: 1983
Description:
“And so we are told this is the golden age
And gold is the reason for the wars we wage
Though I want to be with you
Be with you night and day
Nothing changes
On New Year's Day
On New Year's Day
On New Year's Day”
A typical U2 song complaining about things and wanting other things. The lyrics are clear and Bono maintains a fairly even tone throughout the song. The song itself is about the Cold War or something and… it’s U2. If you’ve heard one song, you’ve heard them all. I’m glad that Sunday, Bloody Sunday did not come up otherwise I would complain about the IRA for another full page.
Why it is on my computer: …stole it from my brother. Plus, in the past, I have gone through phases where I would wear coats and wander aimlessly lamenting times gone by. It’s like being emo, but you get to wear a big coat.
Why the song even exists: This song is a great example of music people like to listen to when they want to feel like they are helping society. Or they miss their girlfriends on New Years Day, in which case this song is convenient.
Bottom Line: The Cold War is over and this song is practical only one day out of the year (two if you dig the Chinese New Year)
Title: Apache
Artist: Sugarhill Gang
Album: The Essentials: Sugarhill Gang
Year: 1981
Description:
“Tonto, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it...
Kemosabi, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it...
Custer, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it...
Apache, jump on it, jump on it, wowowowowowowowowo!!
A-hunga-hunga-hunga-hunga”
Oh my God, this song is racist. This funk-tastic song has an upbeat old school rap/funk sound that talks about Native American leaders dancing and getting funky. I could dance to this song all day (and no one is saying that I haven’t).
Why is it on my computer: Do you remember the episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air where Will and Carlton lose Aunt Vivian’s ring to a pawn shop and need to earn money to get it back (how zany!)? They earn this money by stripping. What music do they strip to? This song, baby! This is the exact reason I bought this song on iTunes.
Why the song exists: People like to dance formulaic dances when improvisation is too complicated. Racist imagery of Native Americans is the consequence of people needing to boogey. Deal with it.
Bottom Line: I do not regret buying this song, but I dare not share my dancing secrets.
Title: E.T. – Over the Moon
Artist: John Williams: Boston Pops Orchestra
Album: The Spielberg / Williams Collection
Year: 1991
Description
E.T. Theme Music
Classical, elegant, about an alien! I don’t study music, but Drew Barrymore was in the movie and she was real young! Plus, the new edition of the movie changed the FBI agents’ guns to walkie talkies. Damn Clinton-era cutbacks!
Why it is on my Computer: I “borrowed” this album from my Tang Soo Do instructor. I kept it because sometimes I wish an alien would whisk me across the night sky… (The Indiana Jones and Star Wars themes are also on this album and I figured E.T. could tag along too).
Why the song exists: I actually hated the movie, but some people dig the film and want to be reminded of it whilst driving or love-making. E.T. Phone home!
Bottom Line: It’s a short song, so it can have a home in my iPod.
Title: True Reflections
Artist: Dave Matthews Band
Album: Listener Supported 9.11.99
Year: 1999
Description:
“When you look into a mirror
Do you like whats lookin at you?
Now that youve seen your true reflections
What on earth are you gonna do?”
This song is not actually sung by Dave Matthews himself, although you can still hear him in the background. No, this song is sung by Boyd Tinsley who is better known by lay people as: “DMB has a dude with dreads who plays the violin!” That dude is Boyd Tinsley who also starred in a Twix commercial where he repeated the lines “Smooth and Nutty Peanut Butter,” over and over. Anyway, this song is pretty cool. It’s about looking yourself in the eye after living life in a less than savory manner. Ultimately, Tinsley suggests looking within for inspiration. Thanks for the advice buddy!
Why it is on my Computer: Ah, my three year Dave Matthews affinity. My first real album was a cassette from DMB and I still hold Dave Matthews in high regard. This song is on my computer because it is unique within the DMB discography. No one except Dave sings. Except for this song. Ha!
Why the song exists: Partially because Boyd had a band before Dave Matthews came along and he wanted at least one shot in the spotlight. Partially because people are dumb and can’t figure out how to sort out their own lives without being told that the answer is inside them. Be careful. Some people are dumb enough to stab themselves to find this inspiration, “deep down inside of,” them.
Bottom Line: Boyd Tinsley plays the violin and that dude works out.
Title: You Got that Right
Artist: Lynryd Skynyrd
Album: Thyrty – 30th Anniversary Collection
Year: 30 years after they were founded probably
Description:
“Well I've heard lots of people say
They're gonna settle down
You don't see their faces
And they don't come around
Well I'm not that way
I got to move along”
First of all, too many y’s. This is a rock n’ roll country song about how is Skynyrd never gonna settle down, no matter what his parents say! The lyrics either state his intent to never settle down, or question the listener’s belief of the present situation. There is a nice, albeit mandatory, solo in the middle of this song. Rock on!
Why it is on my Computer: I came across the hard copy of the album and figured Skynyrd would be rockin’ driving companion! Admittedly, I only ever listened to Free Bird, and this song is unfamiliar to me. Rock on!
Why this song exists: Certain individuals need an excuse for sucking, and this song provides ample evidence. Other people simply rock too hard for society’s standards. You got that right! Rock on!
Bottom Line:
Title: New Deep
Artist: John Mayer
Album: Heavier Things
Year: 2003
Description:
“I'm so alive
I'm so enlightened
I can barely survive
A night in my mind
So I've got a plan
I'm gonna find out just how boring I am
And have a good time”
This song sounds like every other John Mayer song, which is to say, indecipherable. I had to use lyricwiki.com to figure out what he’s babbling about in his soft non-threatening voice, which is accompanied by a skillful acoustic framework. I do not know what he is saying, but I think he is in danger and he needs our help. Or his calendar needs to be replaced. Wait, did he just order something from a menu? Is he fighting ghosts? Terrorists? Screw it, I’m just going to assume he’s stalking some girl and move on.
Why it is on my Computer:
Why this song exists:
Bottom Line: John Mayer made appearances on Conan O’Brien so I have to believe this guy is somewhat credible, but his voice makes it difficult to believe that he has a soul.
Title: There Was a Time
Artist: Guns N’ Roses
Album: Chinese Democracy
Year: 2008
Description:
“Broken glass and cigarettes
Writing on the wall
It was a bargain for the summer
And I thought I had it all
I was the one who gave you everything
The one who took the fall
You were the one who would do anything
One who can’t recall”
From the long-awaited Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracy, this song is pretty standard. I can’t understand the lyrics and there are four guitars playing and maybe two violins. It’s about a guy who was pretty reliable at one point in his life, but now he doesn’t want to help out his old chum (or old flame). I think that this is ironic. You won’t help the person anymore, but you’ll go through the effort of putting together an entire orchestra and rock out an explanation. Ok, Axel Rose. I’ll let you scream your head off while I bob my head with approval.
Why it is on my Computer: Aside from the fact that the album is called Chinese Democracy and I think China and democracy are both pretty cool, this album got a lot of hype from sources to which I pay a good amount of attention. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so I got this album. It shall stay on my computer until I figure out exactly how many musicians are involved in this track.
Why this song exists: Guns N’ Roses at one point represented something dark and spectacular about rock music. This album is for the aging patriots of a once righteous cause.
Bottom Line: This should become China’s national anthem when it democratizes. Badass.
Title: Comfortable
Artist: John Mayer
Album: Any Given Thursday
Year: 2002
Description:
“I just remembered that time at the market
Snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rolled down aisle five
You looked behind you to smile back at me
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us if we could leave”
You already know my opinion of John Mayer from my previous entry about him earlier in this note, but he actually found a way to enrage me even more. Combine his babbling with the banshee-like screams of thousands of lonely women and you have a wonderful song about some guy complaining that he lost his girlfriend. Boo hoo. You can knock over those magazines by yourself like every other rebel. What’s worse about this song is that the girls screaming in the background of this live concert probably all believe they can be what Mayer theoretically lost. Yes! He’ll pick you in the front row! AHHHH!!!! This song is slowly killing me.
Why it is on my Computer: Same reason as the previous John Mayer song, only I also want to be that girl in the front row.
Why this song exists: Do I need a vagina to listen to this song?
Bottom Line: You know what John Mayer? I hate you (but this song stays on my iPod if I truly need to be enraged).
Title: Inaudible Melodies
Artist: Jack Johnson
Album: Brushfire Fairytales
Year: 2001
Description
“Brushfire fairytales
Itsy bitsy diamond wells
Big fat hurricanes
Yellow bellied given names
Well shortcuts can slow you down
And in the end we're bound
To rebound off of we”
I find myself being unable to hate Jack Johnson, no matter how hard I try. You see, his music is too slow to really upset me. In fact, I find myself tired at the very thought of his music and this song is no exception. The title makes a lot of sense because this song doesn’t make any sense. I mean, I can hear what he is saying, but what is he saying? It is like he is watching a movie and saying adjectives that are unrelated to the movie. I think our friend Jack might be “special.”
Why it is on my Computer: It is an electronic sedative.
Why this song exists: People need to sleep sometimes. Random adjectives must get the job done.
Bottom Line: “Slow done everyone, you’re moving too fast.”
Title: 47 Makes a Decision
Artist: Budapest Symphonic Orchestra
Album: Hitman 2 Silent Assassin Original Soundtrack
Year: 2002
Description:
Music from the Video Game, Hitman 2 Silent Assassin, no lyrics
This is what I love about video game music. Something as mundane as an assassin picking a cereal becomes dramatic and dangerous. This song reeks of Soviet trumpets and marching music, which means that the choice between Coco Puffs and Lucky Charms is a matter of national pride. The right choice is that of a patriotic hero. The wrong choice is treasonous.
Why it is on my Computer: I liked the video game and felt that the music would be a welcome addition to my collection. If you ever see me walking around with my iPod like I am about to shank someone, this is probably the kind of music playing in my ears.
Why this song exists: The game is about having to assassinated a given target in any manner necessary so the song exists merely to increase ones feeling of being badass. Yet another case of the glorification of violence.
Bottom Line: Violence rules!
Title: Breed
Artist: Nirvana
Album: Nevermind
Year: 1991
Description:
“I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care”
Grunge music is great because it’s the only kind of music where the artist can throw a hissy-fit and be praised for it. Kurt Cobain doesn’t care and that’s all you need to know. He doesn’t want to plant trees, but that’s ok, because his music is good to listen to if you too do not care.
Why it is on my Computer: Grunge music is good especially if you do not care.
Why this song exists: Apathy needs music too!
Bottom Line: Whatever…
